Islam

This  is too damn funny! If you understand Arabic, you’re gonna laugh your ass. If you don’t, read the translations, and you’re still going to laugh your ass off.

Don’t you just love these clowns?

That Al-Azhar scholar (the same Al-Azhar Obama spoke at and praised) belongs in an episode of… taraaa… The Holy Room!

Seriously though, the paranoia on this one is staggering. Although, I’m glad this debate is gaining more and more momentum so that the Arab public can get more informed, and hopefully reform the current education system in regards to that important issue.

But beware, most of za bearded ones will fight! Especially in za wahhabi kingdom.

If we have za sexi education, za arab worrrlid iz eegoing to be bigger immorality, and zat is a big broblim.

BROBLIM I TELL YOU!

Za youngi boyz and girrrlz will be, erm, you know, sorry, zat iz dirty word, but you know what zey weel do?

HARAM!

No, no, we musti fight za zionist sexi shops.

LOL.

Yay to baby-making factories!

Let’s have more. LOL.

Yours truly was recently interviewed by Sudan Radio Project, along with Sudanese blogger, Kizzie, and Prof. Suad Badri from Ahfad University.

Enjoy and tell me what you guys think.

First, we hear about a Sudanese woman journalist who was arrested for wearing pants in public–and refused to plead guilty. Listen here.

This is one hell of a courageous piece written by Dr. Farzana Hassan. More of these voices are needed to shake up numerous outdated aspects of the Traditionalist and dominantly accepted interpretations of the Quran today.

Interpretations that keep the Muslim mind locked in shackles and enslaved to dogmatism.

Boohoo, sucks.

Faith need not be like that.

And Dr. Farzana seems to largely agree with me in her piece, except for some small details like the one I discuss below.

RELEVANCE OF QURAN IN THE 21ST CENTURY
by Dr. Farzana Hassan

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I begin by quoting a few verses of the Quran:

“Those who disbelieve from among the people of the book and the idolaters will not desist from disbelief, until there came to them the clear evidence—A messenger from Allah reciting to them the pure Scriptures. Therein are lasting commandments.” (Quran 98: 2—4).

The reference here is to the eternal character of the Quran. It is a claim made by the Quran fourteen centuries ago– a claim which in my opinion is quite extraordinary in the light of more or less established truths. The bulk of humanity has witnessed and attested to these truths over time: that societies perpetually evolve and social norms change, therefore all societies need to reconsider the laws regulating altered ethics. It is also a claim that has not as yet been tested, as undoubtedly scripture is often treated as sacrosanct, demanding abject loyalty from the faithful.

Today I speak as a sceptic. And as a sceptic, I want to examine the validity of such claims, both in the light of modern circumstances, and in the light of the many theological constructs that have thus far attempted to confer some legitimacy to such claims.

Islam discourages critical inquiry of the Quran.

I disagree with that last sentence.

It is the dominant understanding of the Islam today which discourages critical inquiry of the Quran. Not Islam as a whole since its birth, and throughout its history of evolution until today.

Nope. Not Islam as a complete whole.

I can tell you from personal experience that making such a claim is unhelpful.

This is because it puts faithful Muslims in a difficult position, wherein they struggle between remaining fully loyal to their faith and valid skeptical doubt.

Such claims make it seem as if critical inquiry of the Quran has no room in Islam, and that if a Muslim does want to engage in such an activity, then it amounts to disloyalty, sinfulness and erosion of faith.

This maybe - and in fact is - the case in the eyes of most Islamic scholars today, and the majority of current Muslims who have been influenced and indoctrinated by them.

However, the bulk of today’s breed of Islamic scholars aren’t representative of all the generations of Islamic scholars that lived before them.

The bulk of today’s breed are a product of the Ash’ariyya’s victory over the Mu’tazila.

A victory that I believe me was one of the main - probably the main #1 reason - why the Islamic Civilization and Golden Age of Islam, fell to its knees.

Seriously, I’ve talked to many like-minded heretical Muslims who value reason, and often, I hear them say “if only the Mu’tazila had won. Islam today would be so different.”

How true.

Heck, you know what, watch the video below just so you can understand the immense contributions made by the Muslim scholars and scientists of yesterday. Contributions made by people who valued reason.

Algebra. Algorithm. And ironically, even alcohol.

LOL, I know, awesome.

But it doesn’t stop there. Like I said, just watch this video now from Neil Tyson, one of my most favorite scientists, to get a good idea.

It’s absolutely pathetic how so many Islamic scholars today love to brag endlessly about the great scientific achievements of the Islamic Civilization, but at the same time despise the philosophical foundations and high emphasis on empiricism that built its very Golden Age.

If you have no idea who the Mu’tazila are, I highly encourage you to learn more about them, starting with this.

And while, you’re at it, continue reading  Dr. Farzana’s awesome piece.

By contrast, Christianity and Judaism, the other two great monotheistic faiths, permit a liberal theology to scrutinize scripture without penalty. Islam rejects the idea entirely. But I wonder. Why must any document, old or new, religious or secular, be exempt from the scrutiny of intellectual processes that could enable an understanding of its true essence?

Such thoughts have inspired me to delve into today’s topic, which seeks to either establish or dismantle the notion that the Quran relates well to modern times.

… For example, does the Quranic injunction enjoining women to wait four months before ramarrying after the passing of their husbands have relevance for modern times? This provision was put in place for seventh century Bedouins to be able to make determinations of paternity and lineage in the absence of medical tests. But now, with all the medical advances that enable such determinations through a simple test, I question the relevance of such a provision to our modern circumstances.

Continue reading here >>

The news is out. Lubna won’t get flogged after all - a victory for Muslim women who stood behind her and supported her, but is the sentence really worthy of our celebration?

Me thinks probably not.

It’s a bittersweet occasion. No to getting flogged, yes to getting fined.

But that’s not the unfortunate part.

The true misfortune is the fact that this new embarrassing episode in Sudan - one of an ongoing series (Teddy Bear Circus anyone?) - doesn’t seem like it’s going to be the last.

Things like this will continue

As long as you have idiots who misunderstand Islam, abuse it for self-serving political purposes, or dogmatically support its orthodox traditionalist interpretation (which in numerous cases is anti-woman), incidents like this will continue.

(Note: There are things that are supported and backed by Islam which don’t treat women equally and that do indeed deserve critique, for example the amount of inheritance allocated for women within Islamic law. However, most Islamic scholars will agree that Lubna’s arrest was un-Islamic, and was either carried out by idiots who don’t have a proper understanding of Islamic law, or who are using Islam as a political tool to further their own self-serving agendas.)

But anyways, back to what I was saying.

Again, yes, things like this will continue not just in Sudan, but throughout the Muslim world, because most of it suffers from the same serious common illness: a knowledge crisis.

And this latest case, the Teddy Bear Circus, and other similar ones are merely symptoms of this disease, so don’t expect them to go away as long as this disease remains.

The cures?

Mainly free inquiry and free enterprise.

Oh, and lots of work, time and patience, but it’s okay because we’ve got to start somewhere, and it’s people like Lubna who inspire the needed soldiers to march forward with boldness and courage.

Bittersweet indeed, but maybe the sentence is worthy of just a little celebration.

So I guess this post is mine.

Hate him, or love him, but this message is greatly appreciated by yours truly and very cleverly crafted by the Obama administration.

I know quite a number of staunch anti-US friends who softened down their stance significantly after Obama’s speech in Cairo.

It worked.

And this without a doubt will go even further in softening more Muslim peoples’ stubborn sentiments.

Here’s the full video:

And to all my Muslim readers, Ramadan Kareem.

Yes, even naughty heretics can appreciate this spiritual and introspective time of the year.

Have a good one!

Yup, I know what the passionately religious amongst you are probably thinking. “How dare he! Blasphemy! Arrogance! Somebody should teach this damn heretic a lesson.”

Well, not so fast.

Because my statement doesn’t necessarily deny the existence of God or belief in Him.

Have a glass of cold water, hear me out first, and I’d be more than happy to hear your thoughts in the comments section below.

Holy Books: Awww Verses Vs Yikes Verses

Holy books and sacred texts like the Bible, the Hadith collections and even the Quran contain commandments and stories that can either make you go Awww, or Yikes!

That is if you read those verses and sections literally.

Now, I’m not going to get into examples in details. You can explore different verses on your own if you like. The resources are plentiful and online.

Still, let’s get into this matter briefly.

Taking the Quran for instance, you have many, many beautiful verses encouraging good deeds such as being kind to orphans,  giving charity, and so on aka, Awww verses.

You also have a number of verses that can be morally repulsive and scientifically retarded when read and understood literally.

The same goes for the Bible.

Leviticus anyone?

“Don’t read those verses literally you dumbass! You need to interpret them correctly!”

Ok, fair enough.

In fact, that’s exactly the type of thinking I held on to and valued, and from a functional perspective, it’s actually a good thing, but it doesn’t mean it leads to truth, and in many cases, it needs some serious mental gymnastics.

Interpretation and Cherry Picking

Anyone who’s actually read the Bible or the Quran knows that there are plenty of verses that will make any sane or moral person today go yikes!

Stoning people to death? Killing non-believers?

Hitting your wife to discipline her?

Ah, well here comes the “beauty” of interpretation and cherry picking.

Demonstrating the Problem With
the Palestinian-Israeli Conflict

Let’s take an imaginary character and call him Ahmad.

Ahmad is a Palestinian Muslim kid whose parents got killed in an Israeli bombing raid on Gaza. He grows up with rage in his heart and contempt for Jews.

As time passes, Ahmad finds himself influenced by Quranic verses and stories in Islam that characterize Jews as infidels, and Islam’s sworn-enemies.

At the age of 28, Ahmad ends his life by blowing up himself at an Israeli checkpoint.

On the other hand, you have another imaginary character called Muhammad.

Muhammad is a Palestinian father who lost his children in an Israeli bombing raid on Gaza. He continues living his life still believing in peace and brotherhood with his Jewish neighbors.

In many ways, he’s just like the honorable Palestinian Dr. Ezzeldeen Abu al-Aish.

As time passes, Muhammad finds strength and inspiration from the Quran, and continues to focus on the verses which encourage kindness and tolerance towards Jews and Christians, referred to in the Quran numerous times as “the people of the book.”

Now…

The truth is obvious from the examples above which aren’t really all that imaginary.

In both cases, Ahmad and Muhammad did not derive their morality from the Quran.

Their ethical intuitions came from within themselves.

Their ethical intutions directed their attention to verses they chose to focus on and be inspired by, whether knowingly or uknowingly.

Their ethical intuitions influenced their choice of interpretation.

And hence, their morals did not come from the Quran itself.

Their morals ultimately came from within themselves thanks to their own ethical intuitions about what’s right and wrong, and were influenced by their near social context.

And in case you’re still clinging on to the idea that our morality comes from Holy Books, here’s another example that demonstrates otherwise.

Demonstrating the Problem With Wife
“Beating” as “Instructed” In the Quran

This one requires no writing.

Just watch this fun, hilarious video that clearly shows a serious heinous problem in some parts of the Muslim world.

Observe how Mr. Chauvinist appeals to the authority of the Quran and his traditionalist (and sadly widespread) understanding of the “wife beating” verse.

Ah, interpretation, interpretation.

I mean seriously, on whose authority does one decide which verses to take literally, and which to take as metaphor?

Like I said, morality does not come from Holy Books themselves.

Metaphorical interpretation becomes a necessity and the process of choosing the morally right interpretation comes down to the individual’s ethical intuitions on which interpretation seems right, and which one seems wrong.

Wife beating? Yikes! That’s just wrong. Probably metaphorical. God is loving and merciful. He can’t support this type of lunacy.

Wife beating? Yeah, beat the crap out of her. Some women need discipline, and discipline is important. Without it, you will just have immoral anarchy and disobedience. God doesn’t like disobedience.

Oh, and guess what?

I didn’t make up those two responses to the wife beating question.

Those are roughly the responses I got from two pious Muslim friends I personally know, who both appeal to the interpretation of the Quran they believe is right… out of their own ethical intuitions.

See what I mean?

Now, If Morality Comes from Within Us
and Our Own Ethical Intuitions…

… then that begs the question… where did we come from?

Jesus? The Big Bang? Allah? Evolution?

Baba Ganoush?

Zeus? Osiris?

Xenu?

Leave your answer in the comments section below now.

I’m dying to hear it.

Gosh, where do I even start. Lots of fun stuff happened in the last few recent days and weeks. Work, while still enjoyable, has piled up, and updates have slowed down. But that aside though, let’s look at the real fun that took place recently.

1. Sudanese Women Flogged for So-Called Indecent Clothing

Oh, how wonderful. Let’s see...

Lubna Hussein, a journalist and a public information officer at the UN Mission in Sudan (UNMIS) was one of nine girls taken by the Public Order Police (POP) on Sunday from a ballroom in an area east of Khartoum.

Poor Lubna. The POP idiots won’t leave her alone.

… The arrests took place under the Criminal Penal Code which states that anyone wearing “grossly clothing” shall be punished with no more than 40 lashes or a fine or both.

Grossly clothing? What the hell is that even supposed to mean? What qualifies as grossly? Because seriously, those POP boys can probably get erections merely by looking at goats! That Penal Code needs to get revised, yesterday.

The Sudanese journalist said that the application of this section of the criminal penal code is damaging to a girl’s reputation in the Sudanese society.

Maybe it’s about time we cut the bullshit obsession with honor, reputation, and gossip.

Unfortunately, it is mostly true. A lot of things about life in Sudan are centered around honor and reputation, as if they’re holier than Islam itself.

Anyways, moving on, before those medieval horny POP monkeys make my head pop.

2. Stabbed 18 Times for Being Muslim Inside… a Courtroom

I can’t believe I missed this one. I only found out about it from a Facebook Group invite.

Stabbed 18 times inside a damn courtroom, can you believe that?

CAIRO — Thousands of Egyptian mourners marched behind the coffin of the “martyr of the head scarf” on Monday _ a pregnant Muslim woman who was stabbed to death in a German courtroom as her young son watched.

… Her husband was critically wounded in the attack Wednesday in Dresden when he tried to intervene and was stabbed by the attacker and accidentally shot by court security.

Nice work, court security. Maybe you should all get fired. Incompetent retards.

… Al-Sherbini, who was about four months pregnant and wore the Islamic head scarf, was involved in a court case against her neighbor for calling her a terrorist and was set to testify against him when he stabbed her 18 times inside the courtroom in front of her 3-year-old son.

I hope that poor kid grows up to be normal and recovers from this deeply tragic event. Nobody should ever have to go through stuff like this.

Oh, and I think this part is spot on.

… Egyptian commentators said the incident was an example of how hate crimes against Muslims are overlooked in comparison to those committed by Muslims against Westerners. Many commentators pointed to the uproar that followed the 2004 murder of filmmaker Theo van Gogh by a Dutch-born Islamic fundamentalist angry over one of his films criticizing the treatment of Muslim women.

Very true. Where on earth is the outrage over this on CNN? Where are the typical repeated reports with the big headlines?

This is beyond sickening.

But at least this part is positive:

Officials from a German Muslim group and the country’s main Jewish group made a joint visit Monday to the Dresden hospital where the victim’s husband is being treated.

“You don’t have to be a Muslim to act against anti-Muslim behavior, and you don’t have to be a Jew to act against anti-Semitism,” said Stephan Kramer, the general secretary of the Central Council of Jews.

Oh well, RIP.

3. Jakarta Bombings

Here we go again. I thought Obama is president now and he’s pulling US troops out of Iraq? Right, like that’s going to work. Eh, this is probably about local Indonesian politics.

Guess it’s time for me to watch a comedy movie or something. Maybe a Reason Vs Faith YouTube debate.

Say hello to today’s vomit-inducing video. Watching this depraved garbage boiled my blood, because I know firsthand the serious damage it can do.

I still remember singing similar crap during my primary school days in Qatar. Only years later did I come to realize the negative effects it had on my thinking.

The video has over a million views on YouTube, and the show is apparently becoming very popular in the Arab world.

For all of you non-Arabic speakers, the girl is singing:

When we seek martyrdom, we go to heaven.

You tell us we’re small, but from this way of life we have become big.

Without Palestine, what does childhood mean?

I’m glad many Arab writers have written articles condemning the sickening dangerous nature of this show.

The people responsible for producing it and broadcasting it should be exposed and condemned. Shame on them. Shame on all of them.

It’s disgusting.

And it reinforces the notion that the Palestinian issue (while an important and worthy cause) is somehow the main source of the many problems of the Muslim world, when it’s clearly not.

I mean seriously, how the hell are we supposed to build healthy functioning societies, when we teach our children to value death more than life? Heck, why study? Why become entrepreneurs and create employment? Why engage in something constructive?

Naaa, too hard. It’s too much work. Might as well just blow up ourselves, skip judgment day, and go straight to heaven. Lots of candy. So much of it there in paradise, it’s actually better than Disney Land.

Screw life. Yeah, screw it.

Death baby, oh yeah.

Here I come, wooohoooo!

Yours truly will update this post shortly with his reaction to the speech. Let’s just say I was pleased it didn’t excessively venture into La La Land territory, which is nice. Plus, many parts of it were surprisingly candid and straight forward.

Anyways, me will be back with more.

Meanwhile, you can dive in and drop your reaction. Good thing Mr. President mentioned Darfur once.

UPDATE: Been crazy busy, but had time to drop a quick comment here. If you’re curious about where Obama got some of his ideas for the speech especially in regards to which Quranic veses to use, then find out here. Meanwhile, me is keeping track of the situation in Iran.

Virtually all my Iranian friends (at least those who are not apathetic and who voted, the majority), are pretty pissed off at what happened, and rightly so. If one word can describe their fight both online and offline at protests, then it’s this.

Inspiring.

According to them, this time it’s different, and unlike any unrest before since the revolution took place. So, let’s see what happens, and how Obama will respond.

Here’s to hoping that filthy bitch called Ahmadinejad gets kicked out. While the lovely Mullahs and supreme leader will remain, it will still be a positive outcome.

Growing up, I’ve never really watched the Star Trek series. I remember seeing it sometimes on the Qatari English TV channel during my childhood days in Qatar.

The Star Trek Movie Trailer

The show seemed silly to me. Weird looking people and space monkeys, wearing weird looking costumes, firing around weird looking lazers. The spaceships were cool though, that’s for sure.

At the time, I didn’t understand or speak English. And given the techie english language of the show, its Arabic subtitles were awkward and hilarious to read

So basically, when the movie came out recently, I wasn’t too excited to see it, but my friends insisted.

Hence, I went, and damn was it awesome!

Not the greatst movie I’ve watched. It didn’t enter my favorite top 10 list, but nonetheless it was pretty entertaining.

However, besides all the cool action and special effects, what caught my attention was the dominant theme of attempting to reconcile “Logic Vs Emotion, Reason Vs Faith” throughout the movie.

Logic being the Vulcans, Emotions being the Human race, and the struggle to reconcile both being symbolized by Spock, the deeply conflicted child of two worlds, born of a Vulcan father and a Human mother.

It got me thinking about the ongoing fun debate on Islam and faith in my head. It also reminded me of the super cool Foundation book series by Isaac Asimov.

Where does the balance lie in the reconciliation and use of both logic and emotions in our daily lives? How much of each is too much, and how does the answer depend on context?

Too much logic, and you risk being an emotionless computer-like Vulcan. Too much emotion, and you risk becoming an irrational, angry, or even pacifist, dysfunctional “Human.”

Is and can love ever be logical?

What is consciousness?

Are emotions merely the product of electrochemicals released and interpreted by our brains? Such would be a materialist reductionist, and also scientifically incorrect view.

Th movie certainly re-triggered questions that I placed on the shelf and brought them back to the forefront again. It left me wondering about which Star Trek movie character I’d like to be if I had a choice.

I’m thinking the humanized Spock at the very end of the movie after he gave in to feelings and got “emotionally compromised.”

Now, what about YOU?

…

Live long and prosper,

Drima

Drima just got back from Istanbul and is officially blown away by the city. Gosh, what an amazing vibrant place. I loved every second of every minute I spent there.

I don’t think I’ve ever been in any city that felt so comfortable and homey for me in such a short span of time. It is such a rare occasion of the best of East meeting the best of West, and the two merging together so peacefully, you sometimes can’t even tell them apart.

Prayer in the Blue Mosque was certainly the highlight of the trip for me. It was a deeply mystical experience being inside under the large dome listening to the beautiful and echoing recitation of the Quran by the imam.

Alright, so let me get this straight. Whenever bad shit happens to the Muslim world, it’s supposed to be God’s test, because he loves us. But whenever bad shit happens to the infidels, especially Western and Jewish ones, it’s a Divine punishment.

Hilarious.

Seriously, I couldn’t agree more with the awesome Sudanese writer Nesrine Malik in her latest article at The Guardian’s CiF about Muslim reactions to the swine flu.

Yay to retarded, simplistic, delusional, self-serving politicized faith. Boo to good non-rational faith.

But, here’s where it all gets even more hilarious. The swine flu has reached Israel, home of the sons of swines and apes.

Irony anyone?

On a related note, dear Californians reading this blog, if you don’t want another 9/11, continue the fight against gay marriage in your state.

Jerry Falwell was right!

When I was 14, I spent close to six months in a Wahhabi-influenced Islamic school. During my time there I was exposed to all kinds of life-changing religious experiences.

One of the most memorable ones started when some interesting ideas were fed to me and my classmates by a God-fearing pious Jordanian teacher.

He sat before us for one entire week, and talked to us about the importance of piety and reciting the Quran.

We listened attentively. Even I myself, listened attentively too, and why not? After all, I wanted to be pious. I wanted to be closer to God. I wanted to be a better Muslim, and so I paid attention and kept an open mind.

But the result was nothing but a disgusting fear that shook me for over 30 days.

One of the things the so-called “teacher” emphasized was the importance of reading Surat Al-Mulk every night before going to bed.

According to him, if anyone of us died during sleep without reading it before going to bed, we would have to endure the horrific pains of “The Torture of the Grave.”

Belief in “the torture of the grave” indeed stretches way back in history. It appears in eighth-century epitaphs and in early Islamic traditions, which elevated this belief to the status of dogma.

But pious Muslims today continue to adhere to this belief. In invocations, funeral prayers, sermons, and popular literature, Muslims are frequently reminded to heed this punishment.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that many of them take it seriously. The psychologist Ahmed M. Abdel-Khalek, who has studied anxieties about death among Arab youth, has found that preoccupation with the torture of the grave remains acute.

The Egyptians and Kuwaitis he polled worried about this torture more than they feared losing a dear relative or succumbing to a serious, fatal disease.

For over a month, I read the required chapter from the Quran before going to bed. But on some nights, I’d forget, only to jump out of bed later in the middle of the night rather terrified at the possibility of dying in my sleep and going through the Torture of the Grave.

Initially, nobody in my family noticed something different about me, but my mom eventually did.

I still remember her walking into my room one night and seeing me frantically reading the Quran. “Boy, since when do you read the Quran before going to bed? I thought you preferred those science magazines of yours,” and so I told my mom the entire story.

She was furious at what my teacher had done, and thankfully told me the comforting words I desired to hear.

I believed her because she was pious, prayed five times a day and spoke of a loving God rather than a terrifying one who enjoys dipping our asses into BBQ sauce and roasting them in eternal infernos.

Plus, she was much older than I am, so surely she must have known some things about the nature of God, Islam, and faith that I was probably missing.

And it worked.

The next day my fear-induced habit of reading the Quran before going to bed vanished, and I told my teacher that he was wrong because God was loving and merciful, to which he replied “so, are you denying the existence of hell?”

My teacher had a point, but so did my mom. What they said simply represented different sides of the same coin, which is the reality of how most people practice religion - cherry picking.

My mom focused (and continues to focus) on all the nice things in Islam by conveniently interpreting the harsh aspects away, while my lunatic teacher, I believe, did take religion all as a whole and recognized even the harsh aspects but placed an extra focus on them.

As for me, I realize today that one of the the main reasons I accepted the garbage preached by my old genius teacher was because I did not require evidence for such claims. On top of that I was gullible, and bought into his definition of open-mindedness.

His was a horrendous one and required people to accept what he preached as the “truth” without demanding evidence. It is the same kind of destructive so-called “open-mindedness” encouraged by too many religious preachers today, and it stinks.

This is how I believe open-mindedness ought to be defined.

Defining Open-Mindedness

The video is also relevant to an important question that came up during “The Crocodile-Infested River of Blasphemy” debate on verifying Mr. Y’s “inspirational capacity” and whether knowledge derived from it is reliable or not.

It’s something I’ll leave you to think about.

Meanwhile, I had a dream last night about a flying hippopotamus with large butterfly wings. Singer Celine Dion spoke through him to me and told me that I need to go out to buy and distribute massive amounts of cotton candy to the world’s children.

She said I had to hurry and that if I don’t do as she says, aliens in UFO’s will kidnap me, throw me into a dark dungeon on Planet Booga Ooga 69, where I’ll be chained in front of Britney Spears as she sings to me all her top hits on loop for all eternity.

Millions of people already believe this and are already implementing the important cotton candy instructions in their lives. Oh, but here’s the best part.

If you don’t start doing the same soon, go and buy some really good ear plugs. You’re going to need them.

SINcerely,

Drima Abu Hamdan Ibn Zandaqa

Listen carefully, if you don’t appreciate the awesome quote below, I’m going to issue a fatwa encouraging any pious person who sees you on the street to pinch your butt really hard until your eyeballs pop out.

Seriously, you better do as I say, or else expect that bad-ass fatwa to be issued first thing in the morning tomorrow. And if I’m too lazy to issue it, I’ll just pay someone to do it.

After all, it’s not like many of those cute fatwa issuers - including those in al-Azhar - aren’t on the payroll of their governments anyways. So hey, I’m sure they’ll have no problems accepting money from me in return for some awesome fatwa fun.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now read…

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi, the super cool Sufi mystic lover.