The following is the raw and unedited draft of the prologue from my upcoming book, Islam: A Love Story – How Fundamentalism Stole My Mind, Broke My Heart, and Blogging Freed My Mystic Soul.
He smacked her across the face—a violent thundering slap. The television seemed to reverberate with the impact. It was the climax of the show, and I had just entered the living room uninvited.
“Why did he hit her?” I asked my mom. “Shush, not now,” she replied, her eyes still fixed on the screen.
I hated being ignored. “What happened? What did she do?” I continued, insisting that I get an answer. “I said, not now,” replied mama, now obviously annoyed.
The woman collapsed on the floor and broke down in tears. The man who had hit her, clearly still enraged, stood tall above her, and then shouted in her face, “You’re divorced. Divorced. Divorced!”
The words marched out of his mouth, decisively and with absolute vengeance. I didn’t want to risk getting a similar response from my mom, but I couldn’t resist. “Why did he say that three times? What happened, mama?” “How many times do I have to tell you, not now,” mama shot back, still not fully acknowledging my presence. “Will you tell me later then?” I asked, desperate to know if I would ever get to find out what the mystery was all about. “Khalas, fine, yes,” she assured me.
My mom was busy watching an Egyptian series, and I was bored out of my six year old mind. I did my best to amuse myself, but neither my brother’s Michael Jackson tape, or my Ninja Turtle action figures, or my well-worn superhero fantasies did the trick. After what seemed like forever, I sensed movement outside my room. My mom was done with her TV show, so I rushed out to demand my answer. “Will you tell me what happened now, mama? Why did he hit her? And what was that thing he said three times?” “He got angry at his wife and divorced her,”, she responded at last.
Still, I wasn’t satisfied. “Why did he get angry? What did she do,” I continued. “Later, Amir, later,” mama replied.
Later—years later—I’d finally come to better understand part of what happened in that memorable scene.
In Islam, a man can divorce his wife up to three times, after which it becomes extremely difficult—even virtually impossible—to remarry her. If a marriage is in trouble, but there is a chance of reconciliation, a husband will make the divorce proclamation, “you’re divorced,” just once to his wife. This leaves the door open for a change of heart. Even if, enraged or disillusioned, he makes the proclamation twice, hope is not lost. Only deeply troubled, irreconcilable marriages end in a “three proclamations divorce” and a mushroom cloud of heartbreak and anger.
That’s exactly what happened in the Egyptian TV series.
Over the years, I often found myself recalling that scene, and wondering about the remaining questions. What did the wife ever do to deserve getting divorced with three fierce proclamations? Did her husband love her, and if he did, what changed? And why the hell did he have to hit her violently?
One day, however, I understood. I experienced that kind of rage, the agonizing pain of feeling betrayed by one that I had loved unconditionally. I too, longed to end it with that fierce finality. But my love was not a woman. It was my faith.
Growing up, I loved my cartoons. I loved my toys. I loved my LEGO. I loved what I loved especially when it lit up my creative imagination freely and in all its magical glory. But above all, I loved Islam.
Therein lay all the heartbreak.
For while there was a beautiful, spiritually liberating, mystical Islam that I loved as a child, later, entwined with it, came another Islam, that dictated that I should hold on to certain beliefs or risk burning in hell for all eternity. It erected tall suffocating barriers between me and the magical curiosity and imaginative free thought I loved as a child.
I didn’t like that Islam. It was mean. It made me uneasy, but it was so thoroughly fused to the other one I revered and loved that I could no longer tell the difference.
And so I believed without questioning. Like a young man wedded to a stranger in an arranged marriage that he accepted for fear of betraying his family, I devoted myself to my faith. I practiced, worshiped, and swept doubt under the rug whenever it surfaced.
I memorized long passages of the Quran, joined national recitation competitions, won, and got featured in the newspaper.
I listened to my bearded teachers, trusted them, and followed their instructions. I became wary of non-Muslims. I hated Jews, hated secularism, and doubted democracy.
I had a love-hate relationship towards the West and its leader, the Big Satan, the United States of America.
Finally, at the height of my deeply held jihadist euphoria, I wished I could die and martyr myself for Islam and occupied Palestine.
I was eleven years old.
What followed will not only surprise you, but it is my hope that it will inspire you to see religion in a fresh and more nuanced light. It may even make you break out in laughter.
It includes tales about haunting melodic echoing calls to prayer, a French girl named Doubt, five pillars and a teddy bear, a soulful beauty called Trinity, American bombs raining on a pharmaceuticals factory, and an accidental blog that turned my life upside down.
This book is my story. It’s a story about my relationship with Islam and its guardians. It’s about my journey from arranged marriage to infidelity to the brink of irreconcilability… and back.
It’s about blogging and the internet, and how they’ve forever altered yesterday’s dictatorial politics of ignorance and ushered in a new politics of knowledge. It’s about the search for identity, meaning, and ultimately, Truth.
If you’re someone who’s had a difficult relationship with religion, or you have a deep interest in it, what I write is for you.
If having your beliefs challenged boils your blood, this book is probably not for you.
Lastly, if you passionately believe that God shouldn’t be merely reduced to ink on paper, but should instead be mainly experienced, then this book is certainly for you, and it begins with a quote from a wise Sufi mystic you may have heard of before.
Leave your thoughts in the comments section below
and let me know what you think of the prologue.
SudaneseThinker
SudaneseThinker
{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }
What a teaser! BRILLIANTLY described. Looking forward to reading more! Hurry up!!!
Awww… thank you! And yes, the prologue is certainly meant to get you drooling.
Great stuff! Can’t wait to read the book!
P.S. Good luck with “true believers” who don’t like questioning religion
I look forward to the book. Please make it available on kindle.
“Finally, at the height of my deeply held jihadist euphoria, I wished I could die and martyr myself for Islam and occupied Palestine. I was eleven years old.”
Looks like you had been brain washed, but good to know that you made it out of that prison, unlike others who still think that killing innocents will lead them to a better place, Heaven.
Dude, I Can’t wait to read your book. I think this will inspire a lot of people.
“I had a love-hate relationship towards the West and its leader, the Big Satan, the United States of America” This reminds me of my comment in your latest post! LOL
I might be one of those people who are considered “don’t like to question religion”, but basically it’s because I can’t trust myself enough. I don’t have much faith in the strength of my own faith and because I am not knowledgable enough to ask the right questions, and I don’t know anyone one trustable enough to answer my questions. However, I am looking very much forward to reading your book!
Eagerly awaiting the book. Read Ed Husain’s “The Islamist” and looking forward to hearing about your own personal journey and battle with fundamentalist Islam. Should be a good chance to have our heads spun with the complexities of religion, politics, media, and social interactions that impact all of our lives. Keep writing.
Amir, sounds very tempting to keep on reading. I haven’t had the patience to read any book anymore since a few years already but your book is probably the one that will break this course.
Where and when will it be available?
Savo, thanks dude. And yes, it’s going to be interesting to see the reaction of the dogmatists.
Joan, I think any major publisher these days makes books available on Kindle too.
Joe, thanks for your kind words. I hope it inspires the right people appropriately.
Precious, trust evidence. Empirical, rational, and yes even spiritual: what your heart tells you. And also remember that questioning doesn’t mean you’ll discard religion. Don’t fear doubt. You can have faith and still doubt and question, and hence evolve your faith at the same time, so yeah, I say go ahead. Unless you don’t have the urge to question. I know I sure did. It was painful, and I *had* to give in to those urges after I could no longer ignore the growing pile of questions I had in my mind.
Tsedek, good to see you here. The book should be available next year. The exact time will depend on when I finalize a book deal. Stay tuned for more details.
It sounds like the book is going to be marvelous, can’t wait to read it! The only thing I found a bit confusing was where you were living during your early childhood, when you developed your love of religion. I am assuming you most likely lived in Sudan? But you could have also very easily been in the USA with satellite TV and attended an Islamic School!
Thank you for your kind feedback Sarah.
My childhood was mostly in Doha, Qatar, and partially in Kharotum, Sudan during long holidays.
Where can I buy the book and am I mentioned in it?
I am concerned with your writing style. I don’t doubt your charisma, passion and authority on this issue, but all that will be lost in translation if your writing isn’t tight (there were a few tense issues, grammar etc). With that said I do love your metaphors and sense of imagery. Consider an editor? I am offering my services if you don’t have one already. And no, I’m not offering simply because I want to read your book before others get to see it. ;p
I never doubted your journey Drima, even when I knew you as the annoying hyper guy clad in gray uniform.
Maybe this could be the rebuilding of our bridge left weakened by the physical distance, and the opposite paths life has dealt us.
Very nice work, mate. I am biased, though, I always enjoyed your literary style
Allahu akbar!
your prologue sounds really interesting & tempting to read the whole story – too bad, that we still have a year for it – well you’ll keep us informed..
Captivating prologue. Look forward to seeing more. Good luck to you.
sounds really interesting, looking forward to this one, being from sudan & lived my life bet egy & the u.s .& having thousands of conversations about Islam & the so called “western values” of democracy & liberalism, mostly defending our beloved Islam, i can highly relate to this feelings of confusion , curiosity & sometimes doubt
Allah yahdinah all Isa,waiting for the book soon Isa,
best regards!
Good stuff!
Will the book be sold in Canada? When? if not will you publish an E copy?
I would love to read it!
“a quote from a wise Sufi mystic you may have heard of before.” Let me guess : Jalāl ad-Dīn Muḥammad Rūmī … thay dude is above and beyond Islam/Christianity/Judaism. Can’t wait to read the rest. Sister Precious, have faith, the memorizing to the old men.
Greetings to y’all from the infidel Dane.
Precios *leave* the memorizing …
What a great prologue – so good!
After having the priviledge and absolute joy over listening and meeting you in Oslo, I Can’t wait to read the book and follow your journey.
Thank you and keep writing!
Best from Norway
like yourself im sudanese. i can say unequivocally, islam was made up by a revolutionary thinker known as Muhammad Ibn Abdullah. The accounts are as clear as day. The man was profoundly ahead of his time. But much of the contextual dialog he conducted with his followers illustrated a subtle neuroticism–a trait that only heros assume in shouldering the burden of freeing society from its ails. It seems like most sudanese, you also seek an equilibrium. Perhaps we all require an isolated appreciation for islam from a not-so-dogmatic angle as that of our parents and families in the antiquity that is called sudan.
great prologue.
Andrew, yes you and the other Joooooz I interacted with including Racoon will be included.
ItsMe, ha. It’s been ages my friend. You and I need to catch up over a phone call. We have a lot to talk about.
Abu Saar, shalom. Indeed, Allahu Akbar!
Heimo and Thomas, thanks for your encouraging words.
Neo0rabie, “being from sudan & lived my life bet egy & the u.s .& having thousands of conversations about Islam & the so called “western values” of democracy & liberalism, mostly defending our beloved Islam” – LOL, similar story!
7aki Fadi, yup it should be. All necessary details will be available in due time.
Halalhippie! It’s been a long time my infidel Danish friend.
As for Rumi, maybe, maybe not. We’ll have to wait until the book comes out and then find out. 
Marie, thank you! I appreciate the support.
Jamaeldin, always good to have new Sudanese people stumbling upon this blog and commenting. Welcome. May we all attain the equilibrium we seek. It’s certainly possible.
I have to admit, I am a bit confused but it is the more reason to wait for the book. One thing caught my attention is the story of the divorced woman on the Egyptian series. Imagine being a young woman living in a large family and whenever a scene like this comes up, your mom makes a harsh remark as if to teach you a lesson or remind you of the consequences if ever contemplating such actions. I hated these series ever since.
I agree with you that questions should be posed and answers must be investigated. I learned this because I found Islam only when I moved from a Muslim nation to the United States where I had the freedom to seek my own answers without the constant brainwashing of Islamic studies enforced by the government only to serve their interest and that of ignorant/blind cultural beliefs and traditions.
Aah long comment lol, I am really excited to find your blog. I will be waiting for the book, impatiently.
Beautiful and provocative opening! I can’t wait to read it.
Your voice is emerging at just the right time on the planet…
Best of luck to you.
Let me start by saying how much I love this comparison: “Like a young man wedded to a stranger in an arranged marriage that he accepted for fear of betraying his family, I devoted myself to my faith.”
You’ve had quite a life! The breadth of this book is incredibly impressive–I’m not even sure one book is enough to encompass all you have to say.
This prologue and your journey reminds me of Ziauddin Sardar’s “Desperately Seeking Paradise”. I have written thoughts regarding this book here.
It takes a great deal of intellectual stamina, courage, and self-awareness to engage in the level of thinking you have. I hope and pray that the book does justice to your ongoing odyssey of epic proportions. I wish you all the best of luck with this work and look forward to reading the rest of it.
Best,
Sarah Farrukh
A Muslimah Writes
Beautiful!
Can’t wait
= )
Is this the quote? –> “Leave your thoughts in the comments section below and let me know what you think of the prologue.”
Who said it? Sounds deep
SudaneseNomad, Vanessa, Sarah, Pyankhy and M, thanks for stopping by and commenting guys.
Just read this for the first time. As someone who has had an almost similar beginning of absolute dedication to faith.. so committed to the point of attending Fajr prayers in the mosque at the age of 8.. to being one of the top Quran reciters with all the little rules and whatnot.. to finally and irrevocably divorcing from Islam and all religions by the age of 14, it is indeed an interesting subject matter.
I have finally come to accept that a lot of people will have differing beliefs and I learned to accept them for their characters and not their faith. But for me, I no longer am able to accept religion (Islam or otherwise) as a part of my belief system. I also don’t like white tshirts.. but it looks good on others
Looking forward to reading your book though. Sounds interesting!
dear Mr Amir
I really liked you and your way of thinking ,its really great to get to know about you .I just happened to know about your weblog by chance through my search on the youtube.I listened to your speach and it was very interesting .by reading the prologue someone will have the idea that the book is going to be a breakthrough .
looking forward to reading this book
Love it so far; it rings passionately true. Please keep us posted on your progress with the book and your social Islamic evolution.
Dear Amir,
I am Proud that you are from Sudan.
I am looking forward to reading this book. Good Luck, I hope I can get the book from here!
Hello Amir,
Your story is touching and interesting. I admire your “story telling ” ability as well as your ways of putting what you feel into descriptive phrases. You have a great literary mind!
When a young girl of ten, I was “falling in love”with the beauty of the smell of new mown grass in the spring, falling snowflakes in winter and the beauty of the “White puffy clouds” of summer as well as the beautiful fall colors of the falling leaves!! What a magnificent world! School was wonderful and I loved learning.
Home life was with my parents, who frequently disagreed with one another and the atmosphere was emotionally chaotic.
One beautiful summer evening I heard a message at a meeting about a baby, named Jesus, whom my Father in heaven sent to this world to bring peace and harmony among his creation. My soul was transformed by the joy and happiness that overflowed inside me when I was so moved in my spirit to claim Him as my Savior and His promises to indwell my spirit and go through life as my friend and advocate. It has been a wonderful journey, even with times of trouble to know He is with me!! He has taken me places of which I never dreamed I could go! My wonderful, loving God will never leave nor forsake me, of that I can be sure!! His forgiveness and mercy are beyond comprehension!!
Thank you for your kind words guys. The writing continues. Stay tuned for more details.
I do enjoy your writing style, however I do agree about hitting up your editor friend. I imagine your narrative is already developing immensely. Question, have your feelings about occupied Palestine changed (not in terms of martyring yourself) but in terms of believing that the occupation is inhumane? Because as an Arab Sudanese American and Palestine Solidarity activist, I hope that you still care about the survival and livelihood and freedom of our Palestinian brothers and sisters.
WOW wat a start Amir…
as i was reading on i started to see flashbacks from my childhood and school and how confused i always went home thinkin”am i going to hell..??! ” i wasnt even 10 when i started asking myself this..!!
Cant wait to read the whole thing,well done Amir
Looks Great .. Keep up the good work
Lovely prologue into what seems to become a one of a kind book. I came across your blog on Twitter world and our common background -the Sudan- brought me here. You seem to have a fiercely independent and intelligent mind for someone so young and I wish you much success in all your endevours. Keep me updated on the progress of your work as I am a writer/author as well and hold Sudan in my heart and memories.
Big Bro, Having just watched you on ‘The Stream’ and stumbled on your blog, I confess: this is the first time I have been made to regret my decision as a South Sudanese to have cast my vote (and not my voice) the other way. Why regret? The ‘Separation’ vote has separated me from real thinkers (the like-minded South/Sudanese) who were born free but forced into the Jew-Palestinian sort of stereotypic mistrust. See you in the book, but please let me know of your publisher later. I am here: http://www.weakleak.wordpress.com.
Attractive. As John Ngong said, “See you in the book.”
Thank you all for taking the time to read and for your encouraging comments. Greatly appreciated, and I’ll certainly contact you when the book becomes available.
Zvezdana, thanks. Glad this resonates.
Ngong, much love to you brother. Glad to discover your blog.
Interesting. I have a similar love – hate -reconcile relationship with my Christian faith. Looking forward reading your full story!
And great prologue, congratulations!
Wow I cant wait to read this book, it reminds me of my favorite thomas jefferson qoute that changed my life.
“question with boldness even the existance of god for if there be a god he would much rather honest reason over blind folded fear”
Tj
Hey Drima,
I’m so glad you decided to write a book and I’m very excited to read it. The advice I can give is to get a professional editor. The content is well constructed and very thought provoking, but the writing quality can be improved. Remember that you’re writing for a different audience this time than when you write for your blog readers. The book reading audience are very picky and I believe this piece in its current form has a sense of amateurism . All I’m saying is, since this is your first book you really want to make it as perfect as you can. I thought the initial T.V. scene was too slow and at some point I lost interest. A clear link between the initial scene and the rest of the piece was not really present and the link you made seemed almost artificial and lacked spontaneity. The rest of your piece appears to be very spontaneous and there is a great degree of self exposure and openness and this is what I loved most about it. The parts where you start talking about your journey are the best parts and I think the divorce scene diluted them. Still, it’s a good way to start a novel, I’m not sure if this is going to be a novel though or a collection of essays? You had a couple of very strong sentences that I loved such as :
“Finally, at the height of my deeply held jihadist euphoria, I wished I could die and martyr myself for Islam and occupied Palestine.
I was eleven years old.”
Please excuse my critisicm if it came out too harsh, I really wish you the best and would like to see an immaculate work of literature from you! And also I work at a writing center
Teodora and Chris, thanks guys!
Afaf,
Good to see you stopping by here again after a long time. Thanks for your critique. I’m very well aware that my writing isn’t as great as it can be, which is exactly why I have an excellent professional editor I’m working with who helps me polish up my material. The prologue above is the raw and unedited version I wrote myself. Hence, the mistakes and issues. Stay tuned for the book’s release in very late 2012 for per-orders!
Well i can say that i very much enjoyed reading your post on the Sudanese Thinker.
very nice site. THanks for all the info.
Salam, Hi Drima,
I’m a teenage Sudanese American living in Sudan and your blog, so far, is the one of the ONLY good Sudanese ones online! Thanks for helping give Sudanese people a bit more of a voice.
I guess the only thing I’m a bit wary of is that you seem on this page to mix up conservative Muslims with extremists/fundamentalists? I come from a famously religious family and endured a lot of criticism for it. I guess I’m lucky in that I’ve seen and experienced a lot of the points of view, from cool modern conservative people, to more mystic points of view, to the ‘shouters’ (like the above divorce scenes! Horrific!), and I’ve been able to choose my own path. That’s why I think it’s a bit unfair to label people who are traditionally religious, but DONT do stuff like hate Jews etc, as fundamentalists.
I’d love to hear some feedback from you. Thanks, and here’s to a happier Sudanese future!
Razan
Drima,
Any rough idea, timeframe, of when the book might be out?
Expertly-woven prologue!! It , truly speaking , reflects the mental stats for so many Muslims young generations including me , I felt it mirrored my internal thoughts as a grownup man , the frustrations, uncertainties and all the agonized nagging questions crossing my thoughts then, Thanks bro for sharing such a marvelous story …am very much excited and can’t keep waiting to feed my soul with this invaluable book
I love this! I can definitely relate as a nomad with the two strings of faith and Sudanese culture on-the-go, keeping me intact. I have battled with both religion and culture, and sadly my internal battle continues..I love your blog, and I can’t wait for the book to come out.
It is going to be a very interesting book. I am looking forward to buy it. Am Sudanese living in America and a fans of Dr. John Garang ‘s New Sudan Vision. ” You can kill the dreamer, but you cannot kill the dreams.”
we always keep not asking (why questions?), when we r advised by a doctor to swallow a very strong dose of medicine, and we insist questioning Almighty. We human-beings must know we have a limited mental capacity . Your mind cannot explain to you any thing .And you r not capable to understand any thing.
The problem we r facing facing now is failure to understand what around us ( the nature and how to use it for the benefits of mankind )
Amir is wise to tell that he is in changes and ideas of today will not be of tomorrow
Definitely when he is getting more and more experiences in life he will understand why there is a divorce
I would like to comment/ deliberately compliment a book that I describe as utterly thought provoking and an inspiring reflection filled with vehemence and passion. I think Believing in something with compassion and empathic understanding are both essential and intricate to reach an equilibrium . I also think that as muslims , there is an immense need to rejuvinate and norish islam . I think that idea that you are discussing in you book illustrates such a concept. I am pleased to come across such an intriguing and captivating belief. God bless . please do infrom me via email when the book is pubished.
@Joe
brainwashed..kind of like the American soldiers who go out and kill innocent civilians.
it’d be interesting to see this kind of book written by an American soldier
just sayin’
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