Reading Your Way to a Lonely Place

Posted on October 5, 2008
Filed Under Personal |

I don’t ever remember reading books as ferociously as I am now in my free time. Besides writing, it’s the main reason I haven’t been posting as much as I should.

It’s a strange paradoxical feeling really. On one hand, mentally, I feel so liberated from the narrow restricted world-view I previously held, but on the other, I feel lonely sometimes.

I feel lonely when I’m around members of my traditionalist Sudanese community. I feel lonely when I find myself the only one cringing at some of the ridiculous remarks being uttered amongst friends. I feel lonely when I’m at a mosque on the day of Eid feeling disgusted as I listen to a heinous, heavily politicized sermon, that has little to do with Eid itself.

I feel lonely because I can’t express my newfound voice sincerely or on an articulate level others in my surroundings will be able to grasp and relate to. And so, I drift away further towards those who do or merely towards more books, and as that happens, the situation only worsens as I come into contact again with those with whom I parted ways into a different and highly “radical” perspective.

In times of weakness, I wish I could just go back to the orthodox comforts of yesterday, but I can’t, and I won’t.

This status-quo is dead, and I am free.

This liberation is worth the anguish and loneliness that comes with it sometimes. Nonetheless, what matters most to me now is how I put it into good use.

Back to reading and writing.

Comments

9 Responses to “Reading Your Way to a Lonely Place”

  1. Don Cox on October 5th, 2008 7:17 pm

    Anyone who thinks seriously will be lonely; and if you publish your thoughts, you may well be hated.

    The way to avoid these problems is to join a cult and stop thinking. :-).

  2. Drima on October 6th, 2008 2:33 am

    lol, that’s quite an impossible task Don, but thanks for the suggestion anyways. ;)

  3. Sheema on October 7th, 2008 3:02 am

    Cheer up Drima! I know exactly how you feel, as I’ve lived that way most of my life. It ain’t easy! I discovered very early on that the world is populated more by mindless zombies rather than people who are willing to think and question.

    Thank goodness there are people like you out there, even if you’re in the minority! :-)

  4. Eva, Canada on October 8th, 2008 3:41 am

    I have a suggestion what to do with your new knowledge, Drima. Pick someone suitable among your friends and start working on him slowly in isolation. Drop facts on him (or her) a little at a time. Drops of water wear out stone, drops of knowledge may do the same with thick skulls. Your aim will be to establish doubt. Isn’t that what opened your mind? Think back! How did the process start with you? Can you repeat it with someone else? Can you repeat it with more people? Perhaps it needs just a little effort in order not to feel so lonely.

  5. Peter on October 8th, 2008 11:18 am

    Here is my suggestion:
    Add Kierkegaard to your reading list. While he was religious he was also critical of institutionalized religion. Though he experienced social exclusion, he felt his duty was to inform others about the shallowness of so-called “Christian living”. He began a literary attack on the Danish State Church. Might be inspiering for you and he only wrote 7000 pages :-)

    While reading/ writing dont forget to exercise:
    Try if you can outsmart your foot (You can’t. It’s preprogrammed in your brain)

    1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

    2. Now, while doing this, draw the number ‘6′ in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction

  6. Buckaroo on October 9th, 2008 6:28 pm

    I have deep respect for what you have written here. I’ve long felt the same way. Fortunately for you, you are a man of courage. And will be a blessing (not to sound religious) to all for maintaining your vision. The universe silently smiles on such self-honesty, I believe. Good luck always!

  7. Halalhippie on October 13th, 2008 12:58 pm

    Beautiful rant! Don’t despair, one day humanity will evolve into something a little less stupid.
    Ad a warning: reading Kierkegaard may case severe headaches :-)

  8. um naief on October 14th, 2008 12:48 pm

    i think you’ve grown so much… and i have to say, a lot of seems to have happened after your trip to the states, which brings a smile to my face.

    i understand the loneliness. i often find myself feeling this way when around ppl that are limited, and when i see things on tv or in the paper, or hear my in-laws… it makes me sad and lonely at times.

  9. Drima on October 26th, 2008 3:25 am

    Thanks for your kind words of support guys. Much appreciated.

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