“Why did you wait all this time to tell me this?” asked Abbas with tears in his eyes. “I was so scared you would leave me and I was afraid to lose you” replied Fatimah with a trembling voice. “Please! You have to believe me. It was a stupid mistake and I have completely repented. I love you and you are the only person I have left in the whole world.”
“If you did love me you would have told me from the beginning Fatimah” shouted Abbas as he tried hard to recover from the shock. “You’re not a virgin! How could this be?” murmured Abbas to himself. She’s not a virgin! He stood in the middle of the room like a man with past deeds darker than his own shadow. Something lurked deep within his chest. He kept thinking to himself if this was karma.
“I thought you were the one for me” suddenly blurted out Abbas. “I am still the one and this doesn’t change anything.” insisted Fatimah. “Why does it have to be so horrific? Is it because I’m a girl? What about you haven’t you ever done any evil deeds you wish you could take back?”
“People will talk if the man you sinned with appears and spreads the truth about you. They will all point at me and say there goes the man who married a whore! If we have children, people will eventually point at them and call them the children of a whore too” said Abbas angrily. “But I’m not a whore and you know that! Even if I was a virgin, anyone who is anybody that has hostility towards me or you could spread rumours. People will always talk, so who cares if they do? We love each other and that is all that matters.” insisted Fatimah again desperately. It was pointless. Abbas wasn’t in the room anymore. All that remained there were shadows — dark, creepy and confused shadows.
—————————————————-
The above is a short piece I wrote 2 years ago during a “bumpy” time in which I was refining my ideologies regarding certain aspects of morality. I’ve got many similar pieces scattered around written on different forms of media. One day I shall compile them all and come up with a decent novel. The day it gets published, I’ll cancel it from my “to do before I die” list.
In Sudan and much of the Muslim world it’s a huge deal marrying a girl who’s not a virgin. There’s something I don’t like about this picture. Society subconsciously paints itself using a selective choice of paints. Men don’t get the same “dirty looks” that girls do and I don’t think that’s fair. After all it’s the men who go around “banging” the women don’t they not? In the context of the society where I come from, such attitudes are so very hypocritical in my opinion to the extent that they heavily disgust me sometimes. Truth be told, almost all the horny “bangers” banging other men’s daughters and sisters with their “weapons”, would literally bang anyone who simply dares to get sexual thoughts over their daughters or sisters. This literal banging would be carried out with a diverse variety of weapons. This literal banging would be done with the sole purpose of punishing other men for misusing their “weapons”. Moreover this literal banging would be carried out in the name of honor. “Honor”, a lovely word that means different things to different people. It’s a word easily interchangeable with the word “virginity”. I find it rather very funny and slightly depressing too or vice versa depending on my mood when I think about it. Where’s the honor in punishing someone for a crime the punisher himself is guilty of? Where?
SudaneseThinker
SudaneseThinker
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
I asked a male friend a while ago why he only wanted to marry a virgin from his own country when he claimed he had slept with 70 women from different nationalities and thought all of them whores. He said because he couldn’t live with himself if his future wife had been pleasured by another man. When I asked him if he might change his mind if he fell in love with a non virgin he said,” no way, I can’t fall in love with non virgin.”
I heard of girls doing all kinds of sexual things that you can’t even imagine just to save their ‘virginity’. Is that what men want? “
I swear to God walahi ya Leila, I just don’t understand guys with such attitudes. It’s a very typical Arab thing… My friends and I repeatedly debate this issue… Most of them display the same dumb hypocrisy but at least a few are frank and say “hey if I’ve been making gurls lose their virginities, I won’t really mind a non-virgin”…
“I heard of girls doing all kinds of sexual things that you can’t even imagine just to save their ‘virginity’.”
U willing to share any of those stories?
I personally know a few who take it up the ass just to save their virginity… It’s freaky if you ask me… Some break it but then sew it back again surgically. In these modern times you can never guarantee if you’re marrying a virgin or not…
personally, I think there is something very creepy about this “virginity” obsession, nor would I ever want to marry a guy without knowing if we were compatible in the sexual department. Having said that, if I were to meet a guy who had had over 70 previous partners, I would find that a big turn off.
I read somewhere that the average American woman has between 3 and 6 sexual partners before getting married. It doesn’t seem to be a big issue for us, I’ve never heard of a guy (here) who said he’d only marry a virgin. If I did meet such a guy (who wanted a virgin, and only a virgin) and he himself wasn’t a virgin, I’d think he had some kind of mental defect. But hat’s going by today’s standards. Americans used to feel much the same as what you describe about virginity some 50 years ago, Drima. I think it’s justa cultural thing.
great topic here!!! and one that i find interesting in that i come from a country where it isn’t uncommon for both male and female to have many sexual partners prior to marriage. many couples even live together prior to marriage to “test” the water, so to speak. i guess i find issue w/ both genders if they go out and have a multitude of sexual partners… makes me wonder why and i don’t think i’d want a partner that has slept w/ 70 ppl. altho, most ppl lie to you about this topic. but, i’ve heard, like leilouta, about what the girls in this part of the world do to save their virginity. they do all sorts of things and it’s supposed to be all for the sake of saving their virginity… well, if i was a guy, it would bother me a lot to know about these things. but hey, how many men from this part go off to college and screw as many girls as they possibly can and think not a thing about it….. and the families of these guys think nothing of it. it’s a guy, he’s doing what guys are supposed to do, right?! then… when they come back, they want to marry a virgin and drop her ass if they find out otherwise. it’s very stupid to me. it’s all about a man’s ego and how dare a woman find pleasure or happiness w/ someone else prior to them.
i’m not suggesting for anyone to go out and sleep w/ everyone, but i’m totally against this stupidity coming from the male gender about this topic. it really makes me sit here and just think about how they’d feel if they knew their little girlfriend has done all sorts of things w/ other guys, even had surgery to correct it, or just flat out lie - cuz truthfully, WHAT GUY can tell, when they have sex, if the female is a virgin or not????!!!!! seriously here. who can tell this? it takes a dr. to know this for sure. what… will guys now start taking their perspective wives to the dr. to find out for sure? cuz, the girls can just lie and say they’re virgins and no one will be the wiser.
i think if this part of the world would calm down on the sexual crap, ppl would be happier. ppl are crazy about sex here - i guess it comes from not being allowed to be around the opposite sex and whatnot - but… you can’t sit and tell me that the guys and girls aren’t doing it, cuz THEY ARE!! it’s just that ppl are mean and guys are mean and want to spread horrible rumors about girls, and girls do this to other girls, just to be mean. it’s all very sad.
i know i wrote a book here… but this is such an interesting topic.
thanks for stopping by my blog..i appreciate it!
Coming from a sexually “liberal” country like the last 3, I try to put myself in the pants of an Arab male. Say, if I were insecure about my abilties, naturally I’d want a virgin, who had nothing to compare me with. Moreover if I lived in a culture that made it possible - even normal - to demand virginity form a woman amd not from a man, I think I’d go with it
To me it’s nothing more than male insecurity and laziness. Nothing to to with being Arab vs. non-arab.
And, Drima, plz come around, I got something for ya.
Unfortunately we have the same issue in Libya , with a variant that a non-virgin girl ( i.e. never married before ) if she has not sorted herself out before a purported marriage, then is definetely not going to accept a proposal.
This is un-islamic by the way regardless of its relation to human rights or not, because the main point is to protect the honour of someone ( male or male). So if the girl has lied her husband should not make a scandal out of it but should if he is good hearted accept because he most probably is not a virgin, and if cannot accept then wait a decent time then divorce her . That is my fatwa and that is the simple unhurtful solution.
Of course ideally it is that there should be no such hypocrisy. If a girl has been chaste she has all the right to expect the same from her man . *sigh*
Highlander, this is a major issue in much of the Muslim world. I won’t question a man’s desire to have a virgin wife but if he himself has been an ass and sleeping around with different women 24/7 he should go scew himself. This kind of hypocrisy makes me sick.
The funny thing though is that some will super mind a non-virgin Muslim girl but won’t mind a Western non-virgin chick. To them the fact that a Muslim girl lost her virginity before marriage is a very very unforgivable big deal but the same doesn’t apply with a western girl since the culture is different. I find this argument extremely weird and I still can’t figure it out. I mean seriously don’t all girls get horny just the same?
Halalhippie I checked the video a while ago. Your comment section is moderated now dude. I left a comment there and it didn’t appear.
The issue is really funny when you write it up like that. But I can totally see what you mean about it being frustrating beyond belief. And it probably is a very serious issue for a lot of women, particularly.
I tend to agree with halalhippie, I think it must be one of those cultural phenomena that seems really senseless until it’s realized that it serves kind of a macabre psychological purpose on the individual level. And it’s not something that’s unique to Muslim culture, of course, although it may be more rigidly observed or enforced there than in a lot of other places. Throughout my country but particularly n the part of the United States from which I come, the less “cosmopolitan” (whatever that means) people still place a tremendous value on female virginity, much moreso than on male virginity, and the same kinds of hypocrisy you’re talking about are prevalent there and it always gets tied up with religious belief somehow. That’s the group justification, but I don’t think it’s really a very religious phenomenon on an individual level, at least not for most people. Which I think is part of what makes it so frustrating to observe, to have to live with.
Excellent post. I always enjoy when you write about Sudan because I feel like I’m learning things that I might not ever otherwise know from the same perspective.
Am I very strange if I think sleeping around for men is not the same thing as sleeping around for women?
Tse.
Drima: I accidentally turned on moderation it seems ….d’uh!
Thanx for telling me, I thought I was being severely boycotted.
Tse: it’s all in the genes y’know. A man tries to “plant his seeds” in as many places as posssible. A woman takes care not to take on “bad “seeds”.
But are we discussing biology/evolution or morality ? Biology and morality are 2 very different things. At least that’s what _my_ body says to me.
Hmmmm. I am not sure, but I think that in Christianity and Judaism they also prefer virgins, but seldom go to extremes about it. Very strange, methinks - after all, breaking a virgin in is not much fun at all. All the blood and pain and confusion, very nasty. Especially when compared to the pleasure of having sex with an experienced partner.
Probably got to do with seeing the woman as an object one buys. Makes a lot of sense if you’re a slave-driving misogynistic moron: after all, you’d probably be pretty pissed if you’d discover that your new car is actually second-hand. And a wife is even more of a private posession than a car.
Sexual oppression is bad for one’s health, regardless of gender. You hunams are just too bloody terrible.
when you talk about guys preferring western non-virgin girls over muslim non-virgin girls and saying that they can’t fathom the muslim girl losing her virginity… i think it’s bigger than this. i’ve noticed that *some* girls here, muslim, that are more “free” about such things act like whores. they tend to dress to get every guy’s attention, wear clothes that only strippers would be caught dead in, talk to a multitude of men, etc.
maybe this is the reason… maybe it’s because the girls here act like tramps once they’ve lost their virginity. i’ve personally seen how some of these girls act around my husband and i find it to be extremely insulting and rude. some girls have no respect for themselves, it seems.
but hey, i’m not an arab guy so i really don’t know. i just see what i see.
It’s depends on one’s perspective I think, and what drives you. Personally my views stem outta feelings. And, since I think women are the “receiving” party (semen) - I think she’s gotta be way more picky that the “spitting it all out” party… (to put it as blunt as I can)
Tse.
i go a lot w/ feelings myself. personally, to think about my husband w/ others isn’t something i like to think about. no matter if he was the “spitting it all out” party or what… it still can get to me.
i disagree w/ ppl have multiple partners. i think it’s gone way to far. most of all the reality shows on tv are based around sex and it sends the wrong messages to young ppl. but, i’m not saying that someone should be looked at negatively if it happened, but w/ the person above who mentioned some guy sleeping w/ 70 girls… well, i think there is something really wrong w/ that picture… and i would think the same if it were a girl.
i was raised in the north in a strict family and it was at a time when sex wasn’t selling everything on tv and girls were different. nowadays, you get all of these movie stars acting like sluts, the singers acting like sluts, and the young see this and think it’s ok to be the same.
all you read in magazines is sexual stuff… i think it overloads the brain in a way. but i’m old fashioned and disagree w/ all of this stuff. sometimes i can hardly believe what i see girls wearing on the streets here in bahrain - both expat and bahraini. if i had a girl, i would not allow it. if i had a boy, i think i’d have serious probs w/ him seeing these type of girls…. but what to do. seems like the world is turning into a big whore.
Tooners - uhm, sex is a good thing. What’s wrong with having lots of sex? While I disagree with sex as an advertising tool (it both uses and reinforces a problematic shame/fascination/loathing attitude to sex), I absolutely and totally agree with sexual liberation.
If a man or a woman want to fuck around because they like sex, more power to them. If they don’t, also more power to them.
“seems like the world is turning into a big whore.”
Hehehe, Tooners you had me laughing so hard, I almost fell off my chair… It’s so interesting seeing that you the supposedly “liberal sex-addicted” American girl being more conservative than the supposedly “religious conservative veiled” Bahraini girl.
Raccoon, sex IS good but dudely let me honestly ask you…Would you want your daughter exposing a lot of skin and having guys salivate all over her…? I think it has to do with the Atheism VS religion again… maybe I’m wrong but what would be your definition of decency…?
Uhm… my definition of decency is “not doing stuff to harm others on purpose and avoiding harming others within reasonable limits altogether”
If I had a daughter and that would be what she’d want… why not? My wife often wears (relatively) revealing clothing, and it’s fine and dandy because it shows off her beauty. On the other hand, I am totally against her wearing make-up because it makes her look like a clown
I think that considerations of decency simply do not figure in my decision-making process.
PS
I seldom see men salivating over women simply because they are wearing revealing clothing. Almost never, actually. Oversaturation, I guess - there are only that many scantly-clad beautiful women that one can behold before it becomes an ordinary thing not worthy of oggling.
I agree with you Tooners. 100%
I was surprised to read Curt’s comment on the value of virginity in his part of the United States. At the high school I attanded, in the prosperous suburbs of Maryland, any boy or girl who remained a virgin at age 16 was thrown into the pool (clothes on), or forcibly covered in maple syrup.
Amanda, when did you graduate? that seems really outrageous to me and i can’t see any parent allowing such behavior over being a virgin… unless the parents didn’t know. that is sending a really bad message to youth,i think.
and drima, not all american girls are sex addicted… that’s a BIG myth.
and raccoon, i wonder about a man that doesn’t have a problem w/ his wife showing her assets. why would you want other men looking at your wife? are you a swinger? but you know, there’s LOTS of guys like this… you see it all the time. but personally, i wouldn’t want my daughter doing this, and i hope i raise a child w/ better standards and self respect.
oh and raccoon… i NEVER said that sex is a bad thing… but there are limits. i disagree w/ going out and having multiple sexual partners. what’s the point in it? i believe in love, fidelity and monogamy. and i believe in having as much as you absolutely can and want w/ your husband/spouse.
Tooners - apparently, we have two very different points from which we view the issue. My wife is beautiful. When her dress shows off her beauty, it’s not for the benefit of anyone but herself. Other hunams are irrelevant to the issue. In the same vein, my wife demands that I smear weird creams on my face, brush my tail and put pretty clothes on - and it’s not for the benefit of other women or gay men.
Accordingly, your mental link of “wife wears revealing clothes - therefore probably a swinger” is a logical fallacy. I don’t even like hunams, much less want to have sex with them (that would be zoophillia anyway).
And having multiple sexual partners has nothing to do with fidelity, love or monogamy. Many people just like sex. They don’t have to be married for it, nor do they want to - they just enjoy having sex. The so-called fuck-buddies relationship. Why not?
And what has it got to do with self-respect?
“and drima, not all american girls are sex addicted… that’s a BIG myth.”
I know tooners, that was me just being sarcastic and playing with stereotypes… stereotypes that many people unfortunately believe. I should introduce you to some so called “conservative” hijab clad girls i know… They’ll have sex with anything that moves.
raccoon… i understand what you mean. i like my hubby to rub that cream on his face too, wear pretty clothes and always smell yummy!
and as far as the buddies having sex.. i used to work w/ a girl that did this w/ many a guy in our dept. they all loved it, and i suppose she did too, but it’s not my cup of tea. and as far as ppl having multiple sexual partners - it’s up to them, but again, i wouldn’t do it and i’m glad i never did.
drima - yeah, i know you were only talking about a stereotype… and lemme tell ya, i’ve seen some of these girls wearing hijab who love sex. most interesting, to say the least.
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